Dragons, Hoarding

Hello my friends!

It’s your intrepid reporter here, from the deep west end of the Ellisax mountains this week with an exclusive interview from Bruge Claire the Red.

Yes, I know, I can hear the questions now:

Eze, how did you get out there in one piece, and, more importantly, how do you plan to get back?

Eze, you interviewed Bruge Claire the Red and he didn’t eat you?

Eze, how come you’re out interviewing dragons when I’ve submitted three different requests for you to come interview my nephew about his new business in Baywater?

And listen, two out of three will be revealed throughout the course of this interview. That last one I will say, again and publicly, will have to wait until there are a little more ethics in reanimation services. I’m pro union over here.

So, Bruge Claire the Red, why the interview, what are we talking about, all the fun questions. Let’s get into it.

After receiving maybe one too many questions about what to do when a dragon pays a visit to swipe something for their hoard- not in an annoying way, but in a ‘I am concerned for my audience’ kind of way-, I resolved to track down a dragon so we could get some clarification on how and how not to catch sight of these big beautiful beasts.

I will say, tracking a dragon is more trouble than you’d think. I know they’re the size of houses on the small end, but by the Star these guys can hunker. I have since learned that this is because, despite the wings, most dragons prefer their subterranean life-styles deep inside their caves. And some of those have some dramatically vaulted ceiling, or at least the one I got to lay eyes on did.

So, if you’re looking to find a big scaly flag to follow in the sky, you’re out of luck. These babies can outpace an arrow if they’re really moving- if you’re on horseback, lizardback, or any other traditionally accepted beast of burden (we are, again, not discussing nontraditional means of travel until they have their workers rights) and you want to keep up? Think again.

This interview took me weeks to secure- weeks of tracking down leads, finding informants, and sending interview-request letters that I was sure would be denied. And they were. Most of them. And then one day I got a reply through the High Post:

The Great Bruge Claire the Red accepts your offer of an interview, and invites you to his lair in the -redacted- for the occasion.

Needless to say, I was struck. It was one thing to confirm that dragons were actually interested in being interviewed- a hopelessly assumptive position, I know, but no one’s ever spoken to one before, or if they have they sure haven’t told me about it!-, but Bruge Claire the Red? Owner of the biggest hoard this side of Antilla?

I was packed and out the door before I’d finished reading the reply.

I traveled out to his lair as requested- for a length of time and to a location that I will not reveal, by request of my interviewee, and out of a courtesy I would have shown him regardless, as I pride myself on the safety and satisfaction of all my interviewee’s. Also, I’d hate to see harm come to anyone trying to get their shit back from his hoard only for them to be fried extra crispy about it, that would be a bummer.

In keeping with his request for privacy, I will also not be describing the outside of Bruge Claire’s lair. The interior, however. The interior I have notes on:

First things first, it’s massive. Like. Bigger than ridiculous. When I say vaulted ceilings I mean even a dragon with Bruge Claire’s wingspan- which he did not precisely let me measure, but which he did unfurl for me- could glide comfortably within its walls without bumping in to anything. (After stumbling all over myself in awe, I estimated each of his wings to be approximately the size of Wizard Jefferies tower if you flipped it on it’s side (don’t, he’s a vindictive old codger). They were Impressive.)

Aside from the sheer size of the place, I learned that Bruge Claire is incredibly meticulous in the keeping of his abode. There were no smoking remains of ne’er-do-wells, which I was worried about briefly during by trip in, and was relieved not to find. Or maybe I just visited on a good week.

There was also no questioning as to the theme of Bruge Claire’s whole aesthetic. The whole place, top to bottom, was gilded with spoons.

Big spoons, small spoons, gem-encrusted, delicate, ephemeral, physically-useless-as-anything-beyond-decorative spoons. They were everywhere: embedded in the columns that stretched up into the roof of the cavern, mounted in organized clusters along the walls, hanging from the ceiling in collections that chimed in the wind (or the gust of a dragons wings). They were even in the bottom of a the great pool of water that feeds into the cavern from deep underground. The pool did smell slightly sulfurous, and a few of the spoons down there did look like they were wearing in a way that maybe was no longer food-safe, but how a being wants to keep their collection is up to them. You can’t beat the visuals, that’s for sure; the water looked almost like solid gold itself with the shine.

Were they on offer to be used as cutlery by intrepid guests? No. (That was fine, I brought my own road snacks, and none of them are spoon-based.)

We settled down to chat near this stunning water feature, which was actually quite lovely. The deep, eggy smell of sulfur has always reminded me of home. Bruge Claire was polite enough to lift me up to a ledge nearer to his towering height so that we didn’t have to shout at each other for the length of out conversation, which is more consideration than I have received from some markedly less terrifying subjects in the past (please take notes, my ears are begging you).

Bruge Claire turned out to be a delightful interview subject, answering my questions with a reserved and quiet ease that nonetheless rumbled through the cavern. He has a lovely voice; deep and sonorous. It’s a shame that I am likely one of the few to hear it and survive the encounter.

Never one for mincing my words, we got right to business.

EC: So, Bruge Claire, tell me what got you into golden spoon collecting.

BC: I will say what I can, but a dragons hoard is a deep and innate thing. It is less a decision and more of a calling. For me, it began when I first discovered the treasure of Gnaishilz as it traveled to its Queen as the dowry of her new husband.

EC: I don’t think I’ve heard of Gnaishilz before.

BC: It was a kingdom that stretched from the western range all the way to the marsh flats now called Wansborne, back when the area was only low-rolling hills. This was some centuries ago, of course. Long enough that I do not believe their histories can be discovered outside of your wizarding institutions.

I recall blinking quite profusely, and resolved to dig into Gnaishilz in my own time.

EC: So, you’d say you’ve been working on your hoard for quite some time, then?

Here I would say that Bruge Claire blushed, were a dragon capable of blushing. It was a bashful kind of energy.

BC: Yes, it has been some time in the making.

EC: You’ve said that a dragons hoard is more of a calling than an impulse- can you elaborate for me? What did it feel like when you discovered your first spoon?

Bruge Claire’s eyes became soft and far away as he looked back on his memory before me. I’m pretty sure I was seeing a dragon smile, but the scales and facial structure make it difficult to tell, and asking felt crass.

BC: It was there, as I stood above the defeated Prince of Thipzitz, his guard scattered before me, his dowry strewn about the hillside, that I came upon the first of my prizes. It gleamed amongst the wreckage of its destroyed chest, flung from the back of a horse that fled at my arrival and smashed beneath my feet. I am lucky that I did not damage it too badly myself with my clumsy gait. I was much less graceful as a youngster.

This last was said with charming self-deprecation.

EC: It sounds like it was an impactful moment for you.

BC: There is no other moment I have experienced, before or since, that has equaled that of when I discovered the impetus of my hoard. The closest I can liken it to is the season in which I took my first flight.

EC: Wow. That sounds very formative.

Bruge Claire sighed, a sound that would have been more wistful had it not also shaken the spoons hanging above our heads.

BC: Yes, indeed.

EC: Do you still have that first spoon?

At this question Bruge Claire almost looked offended, and for a brief, but intense moment, I deeply regretted asking. But I have since learned that Bruge Claire is too polite to react rashly, and was merely appalled that I might think poorly of his hoard-keeping habits.

BC: Of course.

He gestured up to the roof of his cavern, where I could see in the distance a solitary spoon set into the ceiling in pride of place.

BC: It is pure gold, and will not tarnish or rust with time. All of my hoard is such- that which is imperfect does not call to me.

This was excellent news.

EC: So you are only called to hoard one specific type of object- others hold no meaning for you. Is this true of all dragons?

BC: Yes, in large part. There are some I know that do not keep as strictly to what I would consider ‘perfection’, but whether that is personal preference or simply falls within their hoarding purview, I could not say.

EC: Interesting. The big question on my readers minds, the one that inspired me to reach out to you in the first place, is ‘how to avoid attracting the attention of a dragon that is padding it’s hoard’. Do you have any insights that you’d care to share?

The rumbling as Bruge Claire considered my question vibrated throughout the cavern in a way that would have probably felt more soothing if I was firmly planted on the ground, and not two stories up in the air.

BC: Yes, I believe I may. A dragon is called to their hoard in much the same way as a pixie is called to mischief, or a siren is called to sing. It is an involuntary, innate directive that, in my experience, visits one like the sensation of hunger.

This gave me some pause.

EC: Are you saying you experience the need to add items to your hoard like one would experience hunger- on a consistent and recurring timeframe?

Bruge Claire shook his head to indicate a negative.

BC: Perhaps, when I was in my youth. But as time has progressed, my urge to hoard has dwindled to only those times in which I find myself near those objects which Call.

EC: I see. And each dragon hoards something different?

BC: Yes, in my experience. I have yet to meet a pair of dragons that hoard the same item, although I have seen some whose hoards may overlap. Fortunately they reside in very different corners of the continent, and have thus far been content to mind their own territories.

A vivid image of dragons battling it out in the sky above our offices in over a encrusted soup bowl came to mind, fire raining through the air, and I was inclined to agree that this separation was indeed very fortunate.

EC: Can you tell me what types of objects are likely to be hoarded by your kind?

BC: Of course. There are many varieties of dragon hoards. The most common is as you see here, precious metals and gemstones mined from deep within the earth, often refined or shaped. I will admit that my inclination is quite specific, but this has allowed me to become very intentional with my hoard, and to avoid over crowding my home.

I nodded. I suppose that any creature with a residence wants to have some control over how it’s arranged.

BC: Less common hoards can be of any classification of object, animate or inanimate.

EC: When you say animate-

BC: There are some dragons whose hoards are living, yes.

EC: Do you mean there are some dragons who collect pets?

Bruge Claire paused here, seemingly considering.

BC: I suppose they could be termed thus, yes. The dragon I am reminded of in this moment is Astra the White, who maintains a horde of princesses, and has done since she met the impetus of her hoard six centuries past.

EC: She keeps princesses? As her hoard? And considers them pets?

BC: I have not spoken to Astra the White myself in some decades, but I do not believe that this would be an inaccurate statement. The last I was aware, Astra was attempting to keep new kingdoms from cropping up in her territory, lest a new princess arrive within her grasp. Something about only having so much space in her lair and being unwilling to compel her current hoard to rear children against their will.

EC: Goodness.

BC: Yes, it is quite something. Other dragons of my acquaintance keep hoards of items such as knowledge, magic, and the mundane. The young dragon Vistiz the Blue, for instance, recently began his hoard of bluebells.

EC: The flower?

BC: Yes. His hoard is quite lovely.

EC: Wow. Last question- when a dragon feels compelled to collect something for their hoard, are they also compelled to, um, remove anyone who might be in their way?

BC: This depends greatly on the dragon and their relationship with what is in their way. Myself, I am rarely compelled to actively harm those between myself and my hoard. This being said, it would be ingenuous of me to state that I have never eaten something inadvisable in my quest to collect any of it, though I do try to avoid it where I can. Humans tend to wear such indigestible clothing. But there are many who are much less concerned with this impact on their diet.

This felt like as good a place as any to wrap up, considering my questions were asked, and there was a new rumbling traveling through the cave that may have been the wind or may have been Bruge Claire’s stomach. I was suddenly intensely grateful for all of my fall layering.

I thanked Bruge Claire for his time, and he kindly offered to let me stay the night before attempting the trip home- a gesture I will be ever grateful for, especially considering the noise that spilled into the modest little side-cave where I lay my head that night. I don’t know what Bruge Claire eats, but it doesn’t sound at all friendly to little reporters like yours truly.

It looks like the answer to our question may not prove as helpful as we’d hoped- not unless someone manages to create a comprehensive list of which dragons are hoarding what, and where they’re doing it. But, still- some idea of what to do is better than none.

For now, my best advice is to keep an ear out for dragon activity in the area, and if you suspect that you may be in possession of something that will draw the eye, maybe store it somewhere that you don’t mind getting flattened and/or incinerated in the event a dragon comes calling.

(Currently) alive from the Holler,

-Eze Clearwater

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As always, please direct all questions, concerns, and suggestions or requests for interviews to our Hamitsdown office, care of Al Peppercorn (or leave them in the comments below). At this time, all correspondence should be sent direct via the High Post- we’re having trouble with our walk-up post box this week, after the recent troll rampage through Hamitsdown, but with any luck (and sufficient public funds), they will be up and running again in no time.